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Greg Gutfeld: No child cares about who Superman kisses

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Comfortable Tuesday everybody! And what a wonderful Tuesday it’s. Presumably the best Tuesday within the historical past of Tuesdays! And why is that you just ask? Nicely, I wakened this morning to search out out the brand new Superman is bisexual! 

Lastly! As highly effective as a locomotive! Capable of leap from ladies to males in a single sure! I have never been this excited since I discovered the true id of the Joker!

*Clips of Kamala Harris laughing*

Now, it is probably not Superman, as within the unique Superman. He is retired, residing in Hoboken and shopping for gold from William Devane. That is Jon Kent — Superman and Lois Lane’s son. 

He was Superboy for some time, earlier than dad mentioned, “Hey time to turn out to be a person.” After which instantly bought canceled for utilizing gender stereotypes. So he turned Superman, and hooks up with a younger male journalist. Sure, so Superman is bi – and I say it is a very long time coming. Jimmy Olsen, it was definitely worth the wait. 

As a result of if there was one factor that was necessary to me as a ten-year-old studying comedian books – it was who the characters have been sexually drawn to. It drove me loopy. I wanted to know who Batman was sleeping with – aside from Robin. Yeah calling him the boy marvel, that made me marvel. And he couldn’t be sliding down that bat pole only for enjoyable. 


I additionally needed to know if the Archies have been into bondage. And I simply assumed Aquaman was into watersports. Thus the rubber sheets.

True – I hadn’t even reached puberty but; I’m nonetheless ready the truth is! But it surely pained me to assume that our fictional superheroes have been trapped in conventional intercourse roles. Spiderman might swing between buildings – however he couldn’t swing each methods. 

Ever since I used to be a child, studying comedian books, I noticed that that they had extra boots, gloves, and masks than a leather-based store within the West Village. It was like Brit Hume’s closet. And but I used to be as annoyed as a porcupine in a balloon manufacturing facility.

The place have been the superheroes who mirrored who I used to be? A sexually confused younger boy, with zits, no pals and an obsession with macramé. It wasn’t about discovering one thing exterior my life, however one thing that mirrored my life. As a result of in the event that they don’t mirror my life-style, I can not get pleasure from it. Each film has to have somebody like me in it – or I refuse to look at it.

Positive some comedian characters shared traits with me. Scrooge McDuck was rich, however did not put on pants. Astroboy was quick. However appeared nice in pink boots and black shorts. Luke cage appeared nice in denims with no shirt – he is as shredded as a bag of Sargento mozzarella. We shared that in widespread.

Hmm – no pants, superior abs, pink boots. I simply described Kilmeade on the final FNC Christmas get together!


My level – who actually offers a rattling? No child cares or desires to care about who Superman is kissing. The man is quicker than a locomotive and capable of leap tall buildings in a single sure! I feel that may pique a child’s curiosity greater than what or who he hooks up with. Particularly since youngsters who learn comics normally don’t have intercourse till their early 30’s.

In order that raises a query: why is that this occurring? Why is that this being pressured right into a medium the place it is not essential? It’s like asserting they’ve gluten-free crusts at a pie-eating contest. No one requested, and no person cares. However that does not matter. 

It is not for the buyer. It is for firms to cowl their asses. There is a determined must advantage sign to those that do not even learn comedian books, as a method to defend firms from being criticized for his or her previous. And the criticism is all the time the identical – lack of range.

One thing you by no means hear about within the NBA. However firms find yourself making an attempt to please individuals who do not even use your product. You see this with ESPN.

That community sucks as a result of it retains lecturing sports activities followers with the intention to enchantment to a crowd that could not inform the distinction between a jockstrap and a sports activities bra. A mistake I’ll by no means make once more.

Everybody in every single place is so terrified by the woke mob, that they’re going to flip their artwork into propaganda. So that they rent some depressing gender research grad to assist them create woke merchandise that hold them protected from the net mob.

Instantly it is not about journey — it is about indoctrination. I’m wondering what the Offended White Male has to say.

Tom Shillue: Me, I’ve zero curiosity within the private lives of superheroes or comedian books for that matter. I suppose I’m old-fashioned however I feel adults ought to act like adults. Any method I’ve to get to work.

However this media stunt additionally units a lure for critics. That means for those who say that is the dumbest factor since salad, you then turn out to be the goal. As an alternative of mocking this determined wokism, the media will as an alternative mock those that discover the entire thought absurd.

So like a Chaplin movie, nobody truly says something. Why? Nicely, we’re good individuals. However, sadly we at the moment are in a world that insists we’ve got to care.

They demand our opinion, and if we do not give it, then we’re a part of the issue. And simply think about how Superman feels when he is informed about his character replace…

*Skit of brokers telling Superman about he must turn out to be extra woke*

And so the divide between your public stance and the way you actually really feel, widens. Publically you say “wow, Superman – you go boy.” However privately, you understand what a bunch of bulls***that is.


So go forward. Flip Superman into political theater. I do not care. However each time you count on me to care, I’ll crap throughout you. Even for those who did not pay me first. 

As a result of, in a good world, it’s none of our enterprise. I don’t must know what you get pleasure from sexually, any greater than it’s worthwhile to know what turns me on… And why it requires a sock stuffed with 9-volt batteries. 

This text is tailored from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue on the October 12, 2021 version of “Gutfeld!”


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